Imaginary Therapy

Today I had my semi-annual visit with my Dental Hygienist. Sitting in the chair as she picked and cleaned, I knew that if I wasn’t in excruciating pain at that very moment, I could be one second later.

“I just read an article in the latest issue of Access, my professional journal,“ she chatted. “It was called ‘The Power and Influence of the Dental Hygienist.’”

“Uh-huh,” was all I could say as she probed my gums.

“It was all about how Dental Hygienists can influence what purchases their dentists make.”

“Uh-huh,” I said, my practiced proverbial therapist response.

“Actually, pretty boring. But it got me to thinking. We Dental Hygienists could have much more power than that.”

She deftly inserted her sharp pick into my upper gums.

“Turn towards me. Lots of professionals are beginning to let their personal beliefs guide their work. Like pharmacists. Some of them are refusing to fill prescriptions for the morning after pill, or even for birth control pills. They’re acting on their own beliefs - and letting their customers know they don’t approve of their behavior.”

“Mmmm.” My therapeutic training in remaining non-committal kicked in.

“Or priests who are refusing to give communion to gay people. Or the pastor who said that anyone who didn’t vote for Bush should leave his congregation. They’re acting on their own personal beliefs.”

She continued to pick and probe.

“Turn toward me. It’s happening all over. I read about a real estate developer who’s now doing a background check on prospective buyers. He won’t let anybody buy a house who’s on the sex offender list.”

“Then I realized.” she continued, “that as a Dental Hygienist, I can do even more than that. I can be a real agent of behavior change, helping people behave better. You can spit out now.”

After spitting, I leaned back in the chair and said, “Of course. By encouraging people to floss after every meal, you’re helping them take better care of themselves.”

She placed the suction tube in my mouth and went back to work with her pick.

“No, that’s not what I mean. I can have real power. Let's say I see a patient who’s really overweight. I can clean between all her teeth, but leave a couple of spots to fester. In a couple of months, she won’t be able to eat anything for awhile!”

“Arggh.”

“Or those lawyers. Way too prideful. And they never shut up, even with a mouth full of instruments. The next time a lawyer starts telling me how great he is, I can just dig a little deeper with my pick. Someday he’ll make the connection between boasting and pain.”

“Arrgh.”

“Or the married guy who comes on to me. I had to think about that one. Then I realized I can easily loosen a cap or two. When he gets home, he can just suck on his roots for a while.”

I tried to look into her eyes and search for some sign of compassion. But she was wearing those little magnifying goggles so it was impossible to tell.

She stopped picking for a second and told me solemnly, “A Dental Hygienist can really help people behave better.”

“Uh.”

“And best of all,” she continued, “everyone can do it. Accountants can cause some real pain. Obviously, doctors and nurses can do their part. But also teachers, plumbers - anybody can start helping people behave better. Waiters and waitresses won’t feel helpless with abusive customers. It could be the social movement of the future!”

“But...” I said, taking a stand.

“I’ve even thought of a slogan: ‘Think Globally and Act Personally’. I’m going to use my own money to make up some bumper stickers.”

I took the suction tube out of my mouth. ”But what about me?” I asked.

“No problem,” my Dental Hygienist said with an amused laugh, putting the suction tube back in.

“If I think you’re behaving yourself, you have nothing to worry about. Now open wide.”